Relationships and walking through relational challenges

Relationships and walking through relational challenges

Human beings are communal creatures; that is, we thrive only in community with others, where interdependency, cooperation, and trust work together to help us realize our fullest potential in God

The nature of the church has its foundation in the Trinity

There is relational life manifest in Family – Eternal Father, Father/Son, and Spirit

There is relational unity

There is perfect order – Son submits to the Father, the Father to the Son and Spirit, Spirit does the bidding of the son

Gen 1:26-28 NASB Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them…(27) God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. (28) God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” flows from the foundation of family relationships

The Nature of unity/family in the Godhead “God in Himself is a sweet society”

And within the mystery of His Person - Father, Son and Holy Spirit - there is plurality and absolute unity in the midst of their individuality. There is inexplicable submission. The Father sent the Son and the Son came. The Son returned to the Father and the Father and the Son sent the Spirit and the Spirit came. Within these three Persons that are co-equal, co-substantial and co-essential, there is evident submission and this serves as the highest lesson to us that God is a God of order.

The is connected to God projecting Himself out of the eternity of His Personhood into and through, a community of redeemed men and women functioning together in unity

Last supper dialogue contains the path for walking in the security of covenant: 155 verses

43% 67 vs Relationship with God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit (10% Spirit)
32% 49vs Commitment to relationship with those He joins you to walking in love
19% 30 vs Our mission and influence on the world

Lord’s Prayer in John 17 – There are 30 expressions of the Father/Son relationship (FS) and 39 expressions of us relating to the Father, Son, Spirit, and each other, the church (FSC).

John 17:1-26 Jesus spoke these things; and lifting up His eyes to heaven, He said, “Father, the hour has come; glorify Your Son FS, that the Son may glorify You FS, (2) even as You gave Him authority over all flesh FS, that to all whom You have given Him, He may give eternal life FSC. (3) “This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God FSC, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. (4) FS “I glorified You on the earth, having accomplished the work which FS You have given Me to do FSC. (5) “Now, Father, glorify Me together with Yourself FS, with the glory which I had with You before the world was FS. (6) “I have manifested Your name to the men whom You gave Me out of the world; FSC they were Yours and You gave them to Me FSC, and they have kept Your word FSC. (7) “Now they have come to know that everything FSC You have given Me is from You FS; (8) for the words which You gave Me FS I have given to them FSC; and they received them and truly understood that I came forth from You FS, and they believed that You sent Me FSC. (9) “I ask on their behalf; I do not ask on behalf of the world, but of those whom You have given Me FSC; for they are Yours FSC; (10) and all things that are Mine are Yours FS, and Yours are Mine FS; and I have been glorified in them FSC. (11) “I am no longer in the world; and yet they themselves are in the world, and I come to You FS. Holy Father, keep them in Your name, the name FSC which You have given Me FS, that they may be one FSC even as We are FS. (12) “While I was with them FSC, I was keeping them in Your name FSC which You have given Me FS; and I guarded them FSC and not one of them perished but the son of perdition, so that the Scripture would be fulfilled. (13) “But now I come to You FS; and these things I speak in the world so that they may have My joy made full in themselves FSC. (14) “I have given them Your word FSC; and the world has hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world FSC. (15) “I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one FSC. (16) “They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world FSC. (17) “Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth FSC. (18) “ As You sent Me into the world FS, I also have sent them into the world FSC. (19) “For their sakes I sanctify Myself FSC, that they themselves also may be sanctified in truth FSC. (20) “I do not ask on behalf of these alone FSC, but for as You, Father, are in Me FS and I in You FS, that they also may be in Us FSC, so that the world may believe that You sent Me FS. (22) “The glory which You have given Me FS I have given to them FSC, that they may be one, just as We are one FSC; (23) I in them FSC and You in Me FS, that they may be perfected in unity FSC, so that the world may know that You sent Me FS, and loved them FSC, even as You have loved Me FS. (24) “Father, I desire that they also, whom You have given Me FSC, be with Me where I am, so that they may see My glory FSC which You have given Me FS, for You loved Me before the foundation of the world FS. (25) “O righteous Father, although the world has not known You FS, yet I have known You FS; and these have known that You sent Me FSC; (26) and I have made Your name known to them FSC, and will make it known, so that the love with which You loved Me FS may be in them, FSC and I in them FSC.”

The Biblical idea of community describes a society of self-giving men and women who relate to one another as brothers and sisters through their mutual relationship and submission to Jesus Christ

Mar 10:28-31 Peter began to say to Him, “Behold, we have left everything and followed You.” (29) Jesus said, “Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel’s sake, (30) but that he will receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms, along with persecutions; and in the age to come, eternal life. (31) “But many who are first will be last, and the last, first.” (Mat 19:27-30 Lk. 18:28-30).

Mat 12:46-50 While He was still speaking to the crowds, behold, His mother and brothers were standing outside, seeking to speak to Him. (47) Someone said to Him, “Behold, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside seeking to speak to You.” (48) But Jesus answered the one who was telling Him and said, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?” (49) And stretching out His hand toward His disciples, He said, “Behold My mother and My brothers! (50) “For whoever does the will of My Father who is in heaven, he is My brother and sister and mother.”

The day-to-day activities of Christian communities are summarized in a series of 59 “one-another” phrases, scattered throughout the New Testament. Taken together, these help us to understand how the leaders of the early Christian movement understood the nature of community and the responsibility of members for creating and maintaining nurturing and caring societies.

In light of God’s design, our main warfare is relational.

85-95% of church problems are not theological or difference of opinion – they are relational

This is why we must always continue to pursue God’s design for walking in them.

Because we are imperfect people there will always be problem areas and conflicts. A big problem is the corruptive element of sin that is in our life. Starting in the Garden of Eden we see the pollution of sin destroying close relationships, Adam/Eve, Cain/Abel.

The greatest majority of violent crime doesn’t come from complete strangers. It is from people the victim knew and much of the time is a result of failure to handle sensitive conversations.

This is why there is so much exhortation in Scripture about unity (not some vague unity among God’s people you don’t know, but a unity among those He has specifically joined you to).

Eph 4:1-3…to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, (2) with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, (3) being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Phi 2:1-3 MSG If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care (2) then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. (2 NASB make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose) (3) Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead.

1Co 1:10 MSG I have a serious concern to bring up with you, my friends, using the authority of Jesus, our Master. I’ll put it as urgently as I can: You must get along with each other. You must learn to be considerate of one another, cultivating a life in common.

2Co 13:11 Finally, brethren, rejoice, be made complete, be comforted, be like-minded, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.

Rom 14:15-19 NASB For if because of food your brother is hurt, you are no longer walking according to love. Do not destroy with your food him for whom Christ died… (17) for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. (18) For he who in this way serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. (19) So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.

Rom 15:1-6 NASB Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves. (2) Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification. (3) For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, “THE REPROACHES OF THOSE WHO REPROACHED YOU FELL ON ME”… (5) Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, (6) so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

1Co 6:1-5 NASB Does any one of you, when he has a case against his neighbor, dare to go to law before the unrighteous and not before the saints? (2) Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? If the world is judged by you, are you not competent to constitute the smallest law courts? (3) Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more matters of this life? (4) So if you have law courts dealing with matters of this life, do you appoint them as judges who are of no account in the church? (5) I say this to your shame. Is it so, that there is not among you one wise man who will be able to decide between his brethren, (5 MSG I say this as bluntly as I can to wake you up to the stupidity of what you’re doing. Is it possible that there isn’t one levelheaded person among you who can make fair decisions when disagreements and disputes come up? I don’t believe it.)

Addressing Dualism between spiritual and emotional maturity

Our internal world must be in sync with our external behavior. To truly love God with all our heart soul mind and strength requires that. Our emotions are often the voice for our inward world To not be in sync leads to hypocrisy (def. play acting).

Mat 23:1-18 NASB Then Jesus spoke to the crowds and to His disciples, (2) saying: “The scribes and the Pharisees…(13) “But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because…(14) [“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because…(15) “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you…(16) “Woe to you, blind guides, who say,

Biblical Maturity is an issue of the ability to have emotional awareness and control under Christ Lordship.

Heb 5:14-13 NASB For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant. (14) But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses (organ of perception judgment) trained to discern good and evil.

Do any of the following people remind you of someone in the church? Emotional and Spiritual Immaturity:

1. The leader or long term member who never says “I was wrong” or “Sorry.”

2. The children’s church worker who constantly criticizes others.

3. The high-control small-group leader who cannot tolerate different points of view.

4. The middle-aged father of two toddlers who is secretly addicted to pornography.

5. The thirty-five-year-old husband busily serving in the church, unaware of his wife’s loneliness at home.

6. The worship leader who interprets any suggestion as a personal attack and personal rejection.

7. The Sunday school teacher struggling with feeling of bitterness and resentment toward the pastor but afraid to say anything.

8. The exemplary “servant” who tirelessly volunteers in four different ministries but rarely takes any personal time to take care of himself, herself, or their families.

9. Two intercessors who use prayer meetings to escape from the painful reality of their marriage.

10. The people in your small group who are never transparent about their struggles or difficulties.

They may present themselves as spiritually mature, but something is terribly imbalanced about their spirituality. The sad reality is that too many people in our churches are fixated at a stage of spiritual immaturity that current models of discipleship have not addressed.

We cannot be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.

You can be a gifted dynamic speaker for God in public and be an unloving spouse and parent at home.

You can function as a church leader and be unteachable, insecure, and defensive.

You can memorize entire books of the NT and still be unaware of your depression and/or anger.

You can fast and pray regularly for years as a spiritual discipline and constantly be critical of others, justifying it as discernment.

You can be very active and successful in some sort of ministry being driven to compensate for a nagging sense of failure rather than gratitude for God’s grace.

You can pray for deliverance from the demonic realm when in reality you are simply avoiding conflict, repeating an unhealthy pattern of behavior traced back to the home in which you grew up.

You can be outwardly cooperative at church or work but subconsciously try to undercut or defeat your supervisor by coming habitually late, constantly forgetting meetings, withdrawing and becoming apathetic, or ignoring the real issue behind why you are hurt and angry.

Seven Principles from the book “Emotionally Healthy Church”

1. Look Beneath the Surface - As described in the book, two faced people feel the need to “have it all together” and will hide behind the masks they believe other people want to see. Ironically, it is the hidden truth of who somebody really is that people want to see.

2. Break the Power of the Past - We often overlook the homes and culture in which we were raised and how they influence our decision-making. A Genogram can help map out family strengths & weaknesses and possibly reveal generational sins that may still linger in you.

3. Live in Brokenness and Vulnerability - We are all “broken pots,” but The Potter in his infinite wisdom has planned for each our failures and imperfections. It is only by embracing our thorns in the flesh (2 Corinthians 12:7-10) that Christ’s power will truly rest on us. “For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

4. Receive the Gifts of Limits - Jesus’ parable of the talents clearly illustrates that everyone is gifted differently. Similarly, it is not God’s will for every church to be a Mega-Church. We should learn to embrace limits and limitations as gifts through prayer with God and open communication with others.

5. Embrace Grieving and Loss - Life is painful, but our culture often doesn’t normally permit us the necessary time to process loss. Processing pain is a normal and a necessary part of life to avoid storing grief within ourselves.

6. Make Incarnation Your Model for Loving Well - There is a difference between hearing and listening, and sadly listening is a lost art. Simply being there for other people without an agenda or way to fix them can be transformational. We need to learn to make the time to engage other people’s lives.

7. Slow down to lead with integrity – Our private and public life should be in sync in all areas, inner prayer life with God, relational life, home life, work life, church life.

Principles One, Two, and Six

1. Look beneath the surface

We need to be able to take a deep hard look inside of our hearts, asking, “What is going on that Jesus Christ is trying to change?”

Beneath the surface of our lives is often an iceberg that can go very deep and we and others run into it and never know it is there or how deep and big it is. Pro 4:23 NASB Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life.

We have to be painfully honest about what components are part of that iceberg because it is part of the truth that will set us free, Jn 8:32.

Four components of going beneath the surface;

1. Awareness of what you are feeling and doing

2. Asking the “why” motivation question

3. Linking the gospel and emotional health

4. Getting rid of our “glittering images”

5. Developing an awareness of what I am feeling and doing

Jesus was aware of who He was and what He was doing, Jn 13:3. This enabled Him to push past people’s expectations etc. The deep awareness of what we are feeling and doing gives us the courage to begin doing life differently (and hopefully more in line with God’s will) and developing new, healthier relational patterns.

Most Christians are self conscious but not self aware. We are more worried about what other people think of us than about wrestling with and subduing our own feelings and motivations.

We want awareness in a healthy way, not a self-absorbed introspection that is narcissism.

Without doing the work of becoming aware of your feelings and actions, along with their impact on others, it is scarcely possible to enter deeply into the life experiences of other people. How can you enter someone else’s world when you have not entered your own?

2. Asking the why or what’s going on question

Jesus often asked why questions.

Why am I always in a hurry? Why am I so impatient?

Why am I so anxious?

Why am I overly concerned that others tell me I’m okay.

Why am I so devastated by comments I hear other people make about me?

Why do I dread this meeting with this person? Why am I so flooded with fear?

Why am I over-concerned that I succeed?

Why do I avoid confronting difficult people at church?

Why do I have a need to immediately return all phone calls and emails or why do I avoid returning certain phone calls, emails, or text messages?

I need to rest in His love, wrestling with the “why questions in an open, receptive way before Him.

Saul was unaware of what was going on inside of him. His “doing” for God did not flow from his “being” with God. Eventually his life choices destroyed him, 1 Sam 17-31.

3. Linking the gospel to emotional health

I am perfectly loved and accepted by God because of Christ’s life, death, and resurrection for me…I can come out of hiding.

The knowledge that I stand before God as His beloved because of Christ has freed me to explore some of the disturbing and dark aspects of who I am.

4. Getting Rid of the “Glittering Image”

2. Break the Power of the Past

2Co 5:17 NASB Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

Healthy people understand that their past often affects their present in the ability to love Christ and others. Is there any emotional baggage or unfinished business from my past affecting my relationships and life in God’s kingdom.

The family or even lack of family that we grow up in deeply affects us.

Exo 20:5-6 NASB “You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me, (6) but showing loving kindness to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.

Genogram – Wikipedia A genogram (also known as a McGoldrick-Gerson study[1] or a Lapidus Schematic[1]) is a pictorial display of a person’s relationships and medical history. It goes beyond a traditional family tree by allowing the user to visualize hereditary patterns and psychological factors that punctuate relationships.[1] It can be used to identify repetitive patterns of behavior and to recognize hereditary tendencies.[2]… Some practitioners in personal and family therapy use genograms for personal records and/ or to explain family dynamics to the client. Few if any genealogists use them.

Sample Biblical Genograms:

David’s Family

In David’s family at least 3 patterns emerge.

1. Increasing Heart Distance from God:

-He sought God and authored many of the Psalms. God’s assessment of David was “he

is a man after God’s own heart”.

-Solomon builds the temple for God, but compromises his relationship with God as his many wives lead him into idolatry. God’s assessment: “His heart was not fully devoted to the Lord His God as the heart of David his father had been.” (1 Kings 11:4)

-Rehoboam ignores God and engages in idolatry and leads Judah to do the same. Rather than an assessment, God simply says twice “His mother’s name was Naamah and she was an Ammonite”.

2. Sexual Sin:

-David collects wives and in mid-life he committed adultery with Bathsheba and conspired to murder her husband to cover it up. God’s judgment is that what he did in secret; someone close to him will do with his wives in broad daylight.

-His oldest son Ammon rapes his half-sister Tamar.

-Absalom leads a rebellion against his father David and sleeps with his father’s concubines on the roof of the palace.

-Solomon takes collecting wives to the ultimate extreme, collecting 700 wives and 300 concubines. It looks a lot like a sexual addiction.

-Rehoboam had 18 wives and 60 concubines.

3. Family Division and Rivalry.

-David experienced tension with his older brothers.

-His son Absalom murders his half-brother Ammon for raping his sister. Absalom eventually leads a revolt against his father.

-Solomon kills his brother who is a rival to the throne.

- Rehoboam ignores the requests of the other tribes of Israel for tax relief and ends up splitting the nation in two.

Abraham’s Family

This is one of the clearest examples of blessing being passed on because the blessing promised to Abraham has been passed on to us. But there is also evidence of sin and emotional immaturity being passed on from one generation to the next.

1. Lying:

-Abraham lies twice about Sarah being his wife to powerful men because of his fear.

-Isaac does exactly the same thing with Rebecca! (Gen.26)

-Isaac and Rebecca’s marriage is dominated by lies and deception as Rebecca helps Jacob steal Esau’s blessing.

-Jacob’s name means deceiver and he lives a pattern of lying and manipulation.

-The 10 son’s of Jacob fake the death of Joseph and sell him into slavery.

2. Favorite child:

-Abraham favors Ishmael, but Sarah wants him removed from the family so that Isaac will be favored.

-Isaac favors Esau and Rebecca favors Jacob.

-Jacob favors Joseph and later Benjamin.

3. Sibling Rivalry and Conflict:

-Friction between Isaac and Ishmael leads to them being cut off from each other.

-Esau and Jacob become open enemies after Jacob steals Esau’s birthright. So much so that Jacob is afraid he will kill him and his family.

-Jealousy because of Joseph’s status as favorite son and his own bragging results in his brothers selling him into slavery in Egypt.

Looking back – We don’t want to deny the effects of the past but we also don’t want to think we are victims of it. We want to be self aware and continually break any lingering effects that try to control our present.

2Co 5:17 NASB Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

Every family has been damaged because all of our families have descended from Adam and Eve. The manifestation of the corruption of sin seen in the garden still tries to affect us. Their intent after they disobeyed God and the pollution of sin entering in was to shield and defend themselves from God and each other. This protection can filter down to us in the way of controlling, fixing, fear, withdrawing, ignoring, denying, pacifying; or in conflict, loneliness, anxiety, frustration, resentment, blaming, and more.

The good news is that God ensures that the impact of godliness is far more lasting. The point however is that we can expect to see patterns of behavior and consequences attempting to carry on over several generations.

Identifying how your family shaped you

Questions to get beneath the surface:

1. Describe each significant family member in your life with 3 adjectives and their relationships.

2. Describe your parent’s relationship.

3. How was conflict handled in your family? Anger? Tension?

4. How were gender roles and authority worked out in your family?

4. How well did your family do in talking about feelings?

5. How would your family describe you? How do you think your family thinks about you?

6. How was sexuality talked about or not talked about? What was the implied message?

7. Were there any family secrets?

8. What was considered success in your family?

9. How was money handled? Spirituality? Holidays? Relationship with extended family?

10. How did your family’s ethnicity affect you?

11. Were there heroes or heroines in the family? Scapegoats? Losers? Why?

12. What kind of addictions if any existed in the family?

13. Were there any traumatic losses in the past or present, such as sudden death, prolonged illness, miscarriages, bankruptcy, or divorce?

14. How was spirituality expressed?

With these questions in mind, as painful as they are, we need to ask three essential questions.

1. What one or two patterns might emerge of how your family has impacted who you are today?

2. In what areas might you be shaping your life in God according to your past rather than Christ’s family?

3. What “work of discipleship” might you have before you to grow past it?

Discerning the influences in your life

What are a few other events or people that have impacted who you are today and that will help you understand “what makes you tick.”

Three important issues in breaking the power of the past

1. Healing of Memories or Forgiveness:

We can ask God in prayer to take us back to memories that are holding us back from wholeness with Him and with others. The Holy Spirit is able to bring to the surface events that need His healing touch. And frequently these memories are in layers, when one is dealt with something else deeper can then come to the surface. As God brings that memory to mind we can begin to ask God:

-Is there someone I need to forgive? Both alive and/or dead.

-Is there a truth that needs to be believed?

-Is there a lie that needs to be renounced?

The word ‘renounce’ means to disclaim, disown, reject publicly and abandon something bad.

Psa 51:4 NASB Against You, You only, I have sinned And done what is evil in Your sight, So that You are justified when You speak And blameless when You judge.

Pro 28:13 NASB He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes (leave, forsake, loose, abandon) them will find compassion.

Eze 14:6 NASB “Therefore say to the house of Israel, ’Thus says the Lord GOD, “Repent and turn away from your idols and turn your faces away from all your abominations.

Act 19:18-20 NASB Many also of those who had believed kept coming, confessing and disclosing (declare, report, or show) their practices. (19) And many of those who practiced magic brought their books together and began burning them in the sight of everyone; and they counted up the price of them and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. (20) So the word of the Lord was growing mightily and prevailing.

2Co 4:1-2 NASB Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we received mercy, we do not lose heart, (2) but we have renounced (to say off, disown, renounce) the things hidden because of shame, not walking in craftiness or adulterating the word of God, but by the manifestation of truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God.

1Jn 1:7 NASB but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.

Jas 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

Renunciation does include Restitution

Exo 22:3-17

Consider the story of Zacchaes. At Zaccheus’ willingness to make restitution to others that he cheated, Jesus declared this showed that salvation had come to him:

Luk 19:8-10 NASB Zaccheus stopped and said to the Lord, “Behold, Lord, half of my possessions I will give to the poor, and if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I will give back four times as much.” (9) And Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because he, too, is a son of Abraham. (10) “For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost.”

2. A New Identity in Christ:

Lies bind you, but the truth sets you free! We have frequently had words spoken over us as children that impact our self-perception. “You stupid kid!” “You will never amount to anything!” “How could anyone love you?” We have also had experiences that may have left us feeling guilty, ashamed, worthless, powerless, or afraid. But that is not how God sees us. You are a beloved child of God, fully accepted.

“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

“If God is for us who can be against us.” Romans 8:31

“While were still powerless, and sinners, and enemies Christ died for us.” Romans 5:6-10

3. Deliverance from Spiritual Strongholds:

God’s statement in Exodus 20 about “children will be punished for the sins of their father’s to the third or fourth generation” is associated with the commandment against idolatry because idolatry involves the worship of demons. There is a precedent that demonic spirits can establish strongholds in a family through ongoing sin or occult involvement. They can seek to gain access through sins of the past to try and influence or enforce patterns of sin, defeat, and destruction through a family line.

You may have seen things in your parent’s lives that were not good, or persistent unhealthy patterns in your family that don’t make sense. I believe that we should bring these matters before the Lord and take authority in the Name of Christ to renounce and break any strongholds the Evil One may have sought to place on us or our families.

We have been adopted into God’s new family and there is a new dynamic in my life. He wants to transform the core. He wants you to thank him for the good things from your past. And He wants you to trust him like Joseph to use even the evil and the sin to bring about something good today.

Principle 6: Make incarnation your model for loving well

Living incarnationally

The idea of a “god” involving himself in the affairs of men by coming to the earth

In history there have been those who have sought to handle the difficulties of the incarnation by sacrificing either the deity of Christ (e.g. the Ebionites) or his humanity (e.g. the Docetists).

Isaiah 7:14 Mat 1:23 “BEHOLD, THE VIRGIN SHALL BE WITH CHILD AND SHALL BEAR A SON, AND THEY SHALL CALL HIS NAME IMMANUEL,” which translated means, “GOD WITH US.”

Php 2:3-7 NASB Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; (4) do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. (5) Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, (6) who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, (7) but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.

Heb 4:12-16 NASB For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (13) And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do. (14) Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. (15) For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. (16) Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

The Bible reveals a number of purposes for the incarnation of our Lord

To Reveal God To Men

In the past, God had revealed Himself through His works (as recorded in the Scriptures), His world (Psalm 19:1-6), and His word (Ps. 19:7-14). In the coming of Christ, God was revealed in the person of Jesus Christ:

Joh 1:17-18 NASB For the Law was given through Moses; grace and truth were realized through Jesus Christ. (18) No one has seen God at any time; the only begotten God who is in the bosom of the Father, He has explained Him.

Joh 1:1 NASB In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God…14 And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth.

To Redeem Fallen Man

Nothing could be more clearly documented in the Scriptures than the fact that the principle purpose of the incarnation was to save men from their sins:

“For the son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost” (Luke 19:10; cf. Matt. 9:13; Mark 10:45).

But when the fulness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, in order that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons (Gal. 4:4-5).

It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all (I Tim. 1:15

Martin Luther King King is trying to get the white Christian leaders from the city to walk in the shoes of an African American. Incarnation is a difficult lesson for anyone to learn.

Letter from a Birmingham Jail:

I guess it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging darts of segregation to say wait. But when you

have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at

whim; when you have seen hate-filled policemen curse, kick, brutalize, and even kill your black brothers

and sisters with impunity; when you see the vast majority of your 20 million Negro brothers smothering in

an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted

and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six-year-old daughter why she can’t go to the

public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see the tears welling up in her

little eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see the depressing clouds of

inferiority begin to form in her little mental sky, and see her begin to distort her little personality by

unconsciously developing a bitterness toward white people; when you have to concoct an answer for a

five-year-old son who is asking in agonizing pathos: “Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so

mean?” when you take a cross country drive and find it necessary to sleep night after night in the

uncomfortable corners of your automobile because no motel will accept you; when you are humiliated day in and day out by nagging signs reading “white” men and “colored” when your first name becomes

“nigger” and your middle name becomes “boy” (however old you are) and your last name becomes

“John,” and when your wife and mother are never given the respected title of “Mrs.” when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tip-toe stance, never quite knowing what to expect next, and plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you are forever fighting a degenerating sense of “nobodiness”—then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait.

Seeing Jesus’ love as incarnation

What it means to be a disciple can best be understood around the unfathomable mystery of the incarnation. God took on human flesh and limitations.

Story of a four year old who what having bad dreams about spooks and monsters in her room. Her mother said that Jesus is in the room there is no reason to be afraid. She replied, “I know that God is here, but I need someone in this room who has some skin.”

People long for us to join them and feel what they feel. This is why people pay 100-150 an hour for a therapist.

Conflict between contemporary church and incarnational ministry

There is a difference between loving people for who they are rather than loving them in order to using them for my mission. We want them to be converted to Christ but is our main agenda so they can join our church programs?

The goal of servanthood and continuing work of incarnation is to recognize the Lord’s voice, His face, and His touch in every person.

Incarnational is entering other people’s world.

We need to look beneath the surface of our lives. How are we going to share parts we had never explored?

We must be able to articulate our own respective stories growing up and how they impacted our present.

We must walk in our own brokenness and vulnerability.

We must understand our limits and boundaries that cause us to go beyond what God ask

We need to know how to grieve with people in their pain and loss. We must learn how to grieve our own in order to do this.

Three dynamics of the incarnational life – the calling out of our literal, emotional, and physical comfort zones to meet people where they are.

1. Entering Another’s world – We must learn how to listen.

Listen to what is said and repeat it back. The person listening attempts to enter into the world of the person speaking, laying aside questions, agendas, defenses, and simply seeks to understand the other person’s experience.

Listening to people is the indispensable element to loving them. It is entering into their world.

The Listening Test. Circle all the statements you can affirm

1. I make a great effort to enter other people’s experience of life.

2. I do not presume to know what the other person is trying to communicate.

3. My close friends would say I listen more than I speak.

4. When people are angry with me, I am able to listen to their side without getting upset.

5. People share freely with me because they know I listen well.

6. I listen not only to what people say but also for their nonverbal cues, body language, tone of voice, and the like.

7. I give people my undivided attention when they are talking to me.

8. I am able to reflect back and validate another person’s feelings with empathy.

9. I am aware of my primary defensive mechanisms when I am under stress, such as placating, blaming, problem-solving prematurely, or becoming distracted.

10. I am aware of how the family in which I was raised has influenced my present listening style.

11. I ask for clarification when I am not clear on something another person is saying rather than attempt to fill in the blanks.

12. I never assume something, especially negative, unless it is clearly stated by the person speaking.

13. I ask questions when listening rather than mind-read or make assumptions.

14. I don’t interrupt or listen for openings to get my point across when another is speaking.

15. I am aware when I am listening of my own personal “hot buttons” that cause me to get angry, upset, fearful, or nervous.

If you checked 12 or more, you are an outstanding listener

8-11 very good

5-7 good

4 or fewer poor “you are in trouble”

Repeat test letting spouse of close friend answer for you.

David Augsburger Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.

Intering another’s world - Learning to listen, learning to be present and available

The gospels are full of accounts of Jesus’ interactions with individuals – Matthew, Nathaniel, a prostitute, Nicodemus, a blind man, a Samaritan woman, and many others. When the rich young ruler came up to Him, Jesus “looked at him and loved him.” He listened. He was never in a rush. He was present, never n a rush or distracted.

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Incarnation in the church’s discipleship

Pro 17:27-28 NASB He who restrains his words has knowledge, And he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. (28) Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.

Jas 1:19 NASB This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;

When we listen to people’s hearts and stories many will begin to cry. The fell valued, worthy, and loved.

Incarnational listening

How to begin

Decide who will speak first and who will listen first.

When you are the speaker…

1. Speak using “I” statements (rather than “you” statements). In other words, talk about your own thoughts, feelings, and desires.

2. Keep your statements brief.

3. Stop and let the other person paraphrase what you’ve said.

4. Include feelings in your statements.

5. Be honest, clear, direct, and respectful.

As the listener…

1. Give the speaker your full attention (don’t be thinking about your rebuttal).

2. Step into the speaker’s shoes (feel what they are feeling; then get back out).

3 Avoid judging or interpreting.

4. Reflect back as accurately as you can what you heard them say (paraphrase).

5. When you think they are done ask, “Is there more?”

6. When they are done ask them, “Of everything you have shared, what is the most important thing you want me to remember?”

You may want to set a seven to ten minute time limit on the speaker to begin. Or you may keep going until your partner says, “No, there’s nothing more.”

Validation

Validation is not necessarily agreeing but something like:

I can see how you would see it that way (even if I don’t agree)

From your perspective that makes sense.

I can understand that.

That makes sense.

Exploring

This is the function of a good news reporter. Ask questions, tell me more. Help me understand. How did you draw that conclusion?

The goal is the set aside the need to respond, defend, or correct the other person.

You are attentive to their world and their reality.

If someone says I didn’t get anything about what you said, don’t take their head off. Ask calmly, “That’s interesting. Tell me what made the evening unfruitful for you.”

2. Hold on to yourself

Joh 13:3 NASB Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come forth from God and was going back to God,

While I am called to go into other people’s worlds, it is necessary that I do not lose my God-given self in the process.

We need to step back and ask ourselves, “God, what have you asked me to do as a leader here? How do you want your church led? How do I feel about this conversation? What might You be trying to teach me?”

3. Living out the third dynamic: Hanging between two worlds

The fruit of a mature spirituality is to be an incarnational presence to another person. It was for Jesus and it is to be for His followers.

Jesus hung between two worlds: heaven and earth. It wasn’t safe for Jesus. By entering into our world, He invited sorrow and pain into His life. He was misunderstood and not appreciated. It was a messy place. Mat 10:24 NASB “A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a slave above his master.

When we choose to be incarnate, we hang between our own world and the world of another person.

Dead men walking

There is a great illustration from the 1995 movie dead men walking. At the end of the movie the death row inmate finally admits to taking both lives he is being punished for. A few minutes later he admitted to Sister Helen “Thank you for loving me. I never had anybody really love me before.” When he was strapped into the chair she tells him to watch her face. “That way the last thing you will see before you die will be the face of someone who loves you.”

The fruit of choosing incarnation

What we are doing is reflecting the experience of what it is like to be them. What is it like to walk in their skin?

When we go out of ourselves and live briefly in the world of another person, we never return to our own lives the same person.

Mar 4:26-29 NASB And He was saying, “The kingdom of God is like a man who casts seed upon the soil; (27) and he goes to bed at night and gets up by day, and the seed sprouts and grows–how, he himself does not know. (28) “The soil produces crops by itself; first the blade, then the head, then the mature grain in the head. (29) “But when the crop permits, he immediately puts in the sickle, because the harvest has come.”

Setting your priority on loving well

**When you make incarnation a priority it will change our ideas of priorities and success.

It is possible to do all the thing Christendom aspires to do (thinks are important) but miss the most important issue. 1 Co 13:1-3 NASB If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. (2) If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. (3) And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

Jonathan Edwards in his final sermon on 1 Cor 13 said that love is the one constant that will remain forever. In heaven we will all love each other perfectly, utterly, without any limits.

The sign of the Spirit at work is supernatural love, not gifts or successful results.

Incarnational love is the pathway to experiencing more of heaven on earth.

Handling Sensitive Conversations

Two extreme errors of handling problem areas or conflicts – Sensitive Conversations

1. Never address question or touchy areas to avoid conflict

2. You address or have addressed questions or touchy areas in an inappropriate way

Book “Outliners” Korean airliners were once crashing at a disturbing rate. Otherwise talented pilots were making mistakes and the mistakes were leading to catastrophe. Examining Korean Air Flight 801 on August 5, 1997, in detail revealed that there was no single disastrous mistake during that flight. Instead, a series of smaller mistakes snowballed until the plane ended up running head first into the side of a mountain. Subsequent analysis made it clear that the mistakes of the pilot and crew were largely communication errors. Further, there was a distinct cultural component to these errors. It turns out that Korean cultural traditions of respect and politeness prevented the pilots and the crew from communicating effectively and making crucial decisions that could have prevented the crash. The commander/pilot was looking at the red light and kept circling, but the co pilots knew they were running out of fuel and they didn’t speak up and the planes crashed. It happened several times. A new set of procedures was put in place and, today, Korean Airlines has an exemplary record in terms of air safety.

Sensitive Conversation
Conversations in which opinions vary, emotions, and stakes are high – 70% of the time people will walk away and not address the real issues.

First, opinions vary. For example, A husband and wife address a critical issue in their marriage that they both disagree on. You’re talking with your boss about a possible promotion. She thinks you’re not ready; you think you are.

Second, stakes are high. If you don’t work through this issue and continue the same direction the marriage will break down, the home group will continue to wane in vitality, your company or shift will continue to falter.

Third, emotions run strong. You’re in the middle of a casual discussion with your spouse and he or she brings up an “ugly incident” that took place at yesterday’s interaction with neighbors or fellow church member. You are having conversation with someone and they bring up a touchy subject that is completely off the subject you had been talking about. You quickly move into a heated debate.

What makes these types of conversations so crucial and challenging is that their results will greatly affect your life for better or worse.

Another important issue with them is that they often come up in an unplanned time or inopportune time (in the heat of stirred up emotions).

Human nature would want to back away from discussions we fear will hurt us or make things worse. We dodge touchy issues and in doing so we often sin by relieving the pressure through gossip, murmuring (quiet complaining), or slander.

We typically handle these conversations in one of three ways

We can avoid them.

We can face them and handle them poorly leading to destructive consequences.

We can face them and handle them well.

Some Common Sensitive Conversations

Talking to a friend, church member, or co-worker about an offensive behavior or giving them feedback about their behavior

Approaching a brother or sister about attitudes or behavior that go against God’s will

Asking someone to repay a loan or discussing their financial discrepancies in what they say they don’t have and what they spend on non essential things

Approaching a boss or someone who is living in a way that goes against what they said they believed and valued

Talking to a coworker or fellow church member about a personal hygiene problem

Critiquing a colleague’s work

Asking a roommate to change or move out

Resolving custody or visitation issues with an ex-spouse

Speaking or dealing with a rebellious teen.

Talking to a co-worker or brother or sister about not keeping commitments

Discussing with your spouse problems with sexual intimacy

Talking to a colleague or fellow church member about not being a team player or having a “my ministry” attitude.

Giving an unfavorable performance review

Asking in-laws to quit interfering in your lives

One of our biggest challenges in these types of conversations is that we can’t control our emotional reactions. We are quickly under emotional pressure. Fight or flight instincts take over. This is why we often say and do things that make sense in the moment, but later seem very inappropriate (what was I thinking). It seems that when it matters the most these things cause us to be on our worst behavior.

If we avoid them we often take the sinful route of dropping hints, nagging, making sarcastic remarks, gossiping or complaining to others. This is self defeating because you put off signals that push people away and open yourselves up to demonic influence

Successful, God glorifying relationships require our ability to talk openly and successfully through these types of conversations.

We must learn how to stay in the dialogue

We want the free flow of meaning between two or more people, not debating or argument, or trying to “win.” This hints of the wrong approach to staying in dialogue. As we approach them we must start with our heart. We must begin with the right motives, both us and them pleasing Jesus.

Biggest problem in sensitive conversations - the story we listen to or tell ourselves in the midst of them.

In between what they say and how we react we tell ourselves a story (that is usually wrong and based on a bunch of other things, from our past experiences, our frustrations from life etc.). Our stories are our interpretation of the facts and really are an attempt to answer why, how, or what is happening.

Stories

Are interpretations of facts

Explain what we see and hear and are our evaluation of the situation

Tell us what we should do about the situation

Once told they take on a life of their own

Stories often become strongholds (wrong patterns of thinking that destroy relationships)

2Co 10:3-5 NASB For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, (4) for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. (5) We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ)

Retrace our paths that lead to the problems in the midst of sensitive conversations. In doing so we arrest the story

Notice your behavior and attitudes – ask:

Am I projecting hatred, bitterness etc.?

Get in touch with your feelings – ask:

What emotions are encouraging me to act and feel this way?

What story is creating these emotions?

Get back to the facts – ask:

What evidence do I have to support this story?

Watch for 3 deceptive stories

“it’s not my fault”

“it’s all their fault”

“there’s nothing else I can do”

Master your stories in the light of God’s presence

Separate fact from story and regain emotional control – ask:

Is this the only right emotional response to the situation?

Questioning our feelings leads to questioning our stories

Separate subjective conclusions from objective facts by asking:

Was it their actual behavior or my interpretation of their behavior?

Conclusions explain what you think not what actually happened.

Watch for emotionally laden words that you contributed to the problem by asking:

What words carry an undertone of judgment?

Less volatile descriptions allow for multiple interpretations.

Master your stories by telling the rest of the story

What I am pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?

Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?

What do I really want?

Am I being rational?

Am I being reasonable?

What would I do now if I really wanted to move forward?

Other important things in sensitive conversations:

We must try to make our dialogue safe

Establish and maintain mutual purpose and respect “do unto others”.

Do others believe you care about their goals?

Do they trust your motives?

Do others believe you respect them?

If you make a mistake in the dialogue

Apologize (when appropriate and sincere)

Contrast to fix misunderstandings with Don’t/Do statements– I don’ t want you to think that I….but I really do want….

Don’t/Do statements

Addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose

Helps other to understand that you care about what’s best for them not just yourself in the conversation.

Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose.

Provides context.

Contrasting Role Plays – If I was in your shoes and was thinking that…but that is not my purpose or desire here. Here is my real purpose.

Make conversations safe with mutual purpose in God

Do others believe I care about what’s best for them in the conversation?

Do they trust my motives?

If the goal is to get our way or manipulate others we lose a safe environment.

What do I want for me?

What do I want for others?

What do I want for the relationship?

Try to see the other person’s point of view, you can often find a way to draw the other person willingly into even very sensitive conversations.”

(Important) The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose– it is now about defending dignity.

Rolling eyes, Sarcasm, Emotions turn from fear to anger, Pouting, Name-calling, Yelling, Threats

Remember that honor and respect is an absolute in God. At the least we honor and respect the image of God that everyone bears. This doesn’t mean we agree with them, just honor and respect them.

If you have disrespected or others feel you have

Apologize - When you have made a mistake that has negatively affected others

Don’t/do I don’t want to suggest that this…but I do want…

Go through role playing that brought you to the tension in a safe environment

Share your facts

Tell your story“- Based on the facts, I am beginning to conclude…”

Ask for other’s paths without clamming up or blowing up. Ask and be interested in their thoughts and paths. Tell them not to worry about hurting your feelings. Restate their story to show that you have heard it and understand. Prime them if they are reluctant to share their story and path.

What are their facts?

What is their story?

Talk tentatively.

Encourage testing – don’t push your story too hard.

Invite their opposing view.

Ask what you are missing here.

Sensitive conversations often go awry not because of the content of the conversation, but because others believe that pain they feel means that you have a malicious intent.

Reiterate that your goal is not to cause them harm, but that both of you find the way forward in God.