Relational Compass - Maintaining unity involves resolving relational issues
Theme that runs through the Bible - God creates and joins a family/team in His image (God is a united family/team) and gives them a mission. As He joins them together and they walk together in pursuit of His mission, He accomplishes His purpose through them.
In Creation in the garden before the fall - One thing was not good - Aloneness is not God’s will
Gen 2:18 NASB Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him helper suitable for him.”
Devils work and the nature of the corruption of sin - deterioration of family and or destroying unity. Adam blames Eve, Eve blames the serpent. God pronounces the result of their sin on family.
Gen 3:16 NASB To the woman He said, “I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you will bring forth children; Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he will rule over you.”
Psa 133:1-3 A Song of Ascents, of David. Behold, how good and how pleasant it is For brothers to dwell together in unity! (2) It is like the precious oil upon the head, Coming down upon the beard, Even Aaron’s beard, Coming down upon the edge of his robes. (3) It is like the dew of Hermon Coming down upon the mountains of Zion; For there the LORD commanded the blessing–life forever.
It continues with the first Children Cain and Able. Cain is angry with able (jealousy).
4:7 God tells him sin is crouching at his door. Sin always crouching at the door of family. Vs 8 Cain kills him. And the deterioration of the family has come through the ages.
Every believer needs to be connected to God’s family. It is hard to say to the Lord that we love Him but we don’t love His body, or His wife.
A Christian without the church is like a sheep without a flock, a child without a family, an organ without a body, it is an unnatural state.
Why we need the church.
It is the place where you are identified as a believer.
Jn 13:34 Jesus said your love for one another is how people will know you are his disciples.
Organs joined to a body show the body.
The church helps you move out of self centeredness and isolation. It is the place you practice God’s love
The church helps you grow and mature. Eph 4:16 you will never grow in isolation.
The church needs your contribution. 1Co 12:7 NASB But to each one is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.
Your spiriual family helps you keep from backsliding. Heb 3:13 NASB But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.
Unity is critical for the church to be what God desires.
Eph 4:1-3 NASB Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, (2) with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, (3) being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
Phi 2:1-3 MSG If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care– (2) then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. (3) Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead.
1Co 1:10 MSG I have a serious concern to bring up with you, my friends, using the authority of Jesus, our Master. I’ll put it as urgently as I can: You must get along with each other. You must learn to be considerate of one another, cultivating a life in common.
2Co 13:11 Finally, brethren, rejoice, be made complete, be comforted, be like-minded, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.
Rom 14:15-19 NASB For if because of food your brother is hurt, you are no longer walking according to love. Do not destroy with your food him for whom Christ died. (16) Therefore do not let what is for you a good thing be spoken of as evil; (17) for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. (18) For he who in this way serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. (19) So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.
Rom 15:1-6 NASB Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves. (2) Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification. (3) For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, “THE REPROACHES OF THOSE WHO REPROACHED YOU FELL ON ME.” (4) For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. (5) Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, (6) so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Relational compass
The enemy, the nature of sin, and our emotional makeup confuse and disorient relationships. If not handled properly sin will break them up.
Camping in Colorado - Hiking and going off the trail causes me to get lost. Nothing is more disorientating and unnerving than to get lost in the wilderness. In those times one of the most important things to have is a compass. The dictionary tells us that a compass measures directions in a frame of reference that is stationary relative to the surface of the earth. A stationary frame of reference is important especially in the challenges of being disorientated when lost.
I have heard it said, and have proven it in my own experience, that more than 90% of church problems are more relational based than any other issue. Even in theological squabbles when you look deeper you see they had a relational foundation. Usually someone was offended somewhere along the way and didn’t get it resolved. When a theological disagreement came up there was trauma and separation all rooted in an underlying relational issue.
God’s Spirit dealing with us through God’s word is our relational compass
Percentages in the Bible - This is why 44% of the NT Epistles are instruction about how to walk in relationships and how to resolve relational issues. The Last Supper 43% of instruction was how to walk with God and 32% was how to walk with each other, 19% was His departure and our mission to the world. .
The critical points of God’s relational compass revealed in the Bible
1. Talk to God before and more than talking to people. Our first instinct in any relational strain should be to go to God in prayer. If we would spend more time talking to Jesus about someone we have problems with than we do talking to others there would be a lot less relational strain that leads to separation, and much more peace.
Php 4:6-7 NASB Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
1Ti 2:1 First of all, then, I urge that entreaties and prayers, petitions and thanksgivings, be made on behalf of all men,
Going to God in prayer gives us spiritual strength and perspective to enable us to walk through relational strain in a Godly way.
You always vent vertically first. David did this in psalms. In His presence our emotions and our heart becomes tender and we gain a right perspective. We often find that our attitude, more than what anyone else did, is the bigger problem for us. Most frustration with people is really more about perceived and unmet needs, or sins of omission or commission. In prayer we come back to God as our source, first.
2. Refuse to perpetuate and listen to slander, gossip, or complaining about others
How do you know if it is sharing needed information or slander and gossip? Remember that the essence of Biblical gossip and slander is a sharing of concerns or problems with others with someone who is not part of the problem or solution.
Proverbs 16:28 A perverse man spreads strife, And a slanderer separates intimate friends. Proverbs 17:9 9 He who covers a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends. (NASB)
Jam 5:9 Friends, don’t complain about each other. A far greater complaint could be lodged against you, you know. The Judge is standing just around the corner.
Slander/Backbiting/Evil speaking - defamation, backbiting, evil speaking. To attack the name or reputation of someone. Complaining about people, bring dishonor upon people. To slander an absent person
Gossip/Whisperings/Tale bearing - secret slandering, talk or spread rumors about someone or something other than the person you are talking to.
Biblical perspective on slandering and gossip.
Slander and Gossip are the greatest means to destroy unity. Paul had this concern about the Corinthians. 2 Corinthians 12:20 20 For I am afraid that perhaps when I come I may find you to be not what I wish and may be found by you to be not what you wish; that perhaps there may be strife, jealousy, angry tempers, disputes, slanders, gossip, KJV backbitings, whisperings arrogance, disturbances; (NASB)
Slander and Gossip defiles people.
Proverbs 26:22 22 The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, And they go down into the innermost parts of the body. (NASB)
Proverbs 18:6-8…. 8 The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, And they go down into the innermost parts of the body. (NASB)
It not only pollutes the giver but also the receiver - If we understood this it would change us.
When someone comes to you with gossip listen to what is really being said “What I am going to share with you is going to defile you, make you suspicious of others, and affect your experience with the Local Church, and curb your passion for God, shall I continue”
Gossip and slander stirs up contention
Proverbs 26:20-22 20 For lack of wood the fire goes out, And where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down. 21 Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, So is a contentious man to kindle strife. 22 The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, And they go down into the innermost parts of the body.
Rest of the Story “Boxer Rebellion” in China
“In 1899 four reporters from Denver Co. met by chance on a Saturday night at a Denver railroad station. Al Stephens Jack Tournea John Lewis and Hal Wilshire worked for the four Denver papers. The Post the Times the Republican, and the Rockey Mountain news. Each had the unenvious task of finding a scoop for the Sunday Edition. They hoped to spot a visiting celebrity arriving that evening by train. However no one showed up so the reporters wondered what on earth they would do. As they discussed options at a nearby saloon Al suggested that they make up a story. The other three laughed at first but before long they all agreed. They would come up with such a whopper that no one would question it and their respective editors would congratulate them on their find. A local story would be too obvious so they decided to write about someplace far away. They agreed upon China. What if we say that some American engineers on their way to China told us they are bidding on a major job? The Chinese government is planning on demolishing the great wall. Harold was not sure the story would be believable. “Why would the Chinese ever tear down the great wall of China?” “As a sign of international good will and to invite foreign trade.” By 11:00 pm the four reporters had worked out the details and the next day all four Denver newspapers carried the story on the front page. The Times headline that Sunday read “Great Chinese Wall Doomed, Peking seeks world trade” Of course the story was ridiculous. A tall tale made up of four opportunistic newsmen in a hotel bar. But amazingly their story was taken seriously and ran in newspapers in the eastern US and even abroad. When the citizens of China heard that the Americans were sending a demolition crew to dismantle the great wall most were indignant even enraged. Particularly angry were members of a secret society made up of Chinese patriots already against any kind of foreign intervention. Moved to action by the news story they attacked the foreign embassy in Peking and murdered hundreds of Missionaries from abroad. In the next two months 12,000 troops from six countries working together invaded China to protect their countrymen. The bloodshed of that time born out of a journalistic hoax fabricated at a saloon in Denver was a time of violence known every sense as the Boxer rebellion. What power the written or spoken word has, the tiny tongue is a mighty force indeed.”
Slander and Gossip reveal the sin and immaturity of people
Proverbs 11:13 13 He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter. (NASB)
God hates slander and Gossip
Proverbs 6:16-20 16 There are six things which the LORD hates, Yes, seven which are an abomination to Him: 17 Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, And hands that shed innocent blood, 18 A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that run rapidly to evil, 19 A false witness who utters lies, And one who spreads strife among brothers. 20 My son, observe the commandment of your father, And do not forsake the teaching of your mother; (NASB)
We are called to distance ourselves from it.
Proverbs 20:19 19 He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, Therefore do not associate with a gossip. (NASB)
Titus 3:10 reject a factious man after the first and second warning.
We are all responsible to preserve the unity of the church by dealing with slander and gossip.
I once heard a great story from Jim Cymbala, pastor of Brooklyn Tabernacle about confronting rumormongers. About 20 years ago, I said something impromptu to the new members lined up across the front of the church. As we received them, the Holy Spirit prompted me to add, “And now, I charge you that if you ever hear another member speak an unkind word of criticism or slander against anyone—myself, an usher, a choir member, or anyone else—that you stop that person in mid-sentence and say, ’Excuse me—who hurt you? Who ignored you? Who slighted you? Was it Pastor Cymbala? Let’s go to his office right now. He’ll apologize to you, and then we’ll pray together so God can restore peace to this body. But we won’t let you talk critically about people who aren’t present to defend themselves. I’m serious about this. I want you to help resolve this kind of thing immediately. And know this: If you are ever the one doing the loose talking, we’ll confront you.” To this day, every time we receive new members, I say much the same thing. That’s because I know what most easily destroys churches. It’s not crack cocaine, government oppression, or even lack of funds. Rather it’s gossip and slander that grieves the Holy Spirit.
When hearing information we need to take the do I need to know this test?
Am I part of the problem and therefore can be part of the solution?
Tip “If people don’t want to take active steps to resolve the situation they are probably just venting or complaining, or they don’t want you to examine their hearts it is probably gossip”
3. Always take the initiative in relational challenges.
It doesn’t matter if you are the offender or the offended. Mat 5:23-24 “Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you (not you have something against him, this goes against leaving him in his own stew, (24) leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.
Don’t procrastinate, or make excuses. In conflict time heals nothing, it only causes hurts to fester.
4. We need to practice God’s method of conflict resolution (approach it on as personal and private lever as possible).
Mat 18:15-17 MSG “If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him–work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. (16) If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. (17) If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, (NASV let him be to you as a gentile and a tax gatherer). This is a principle not a formula. Doing more than the minimum is like Police brutality which is using more than the minimum amount of force necessary to stop the action.
Important points in conflict resolution.
-Sympathize with people’s feelings.
Use you ears more than you mouth.
Phi 2:4 NASB do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. “Look out for” – Gk skopos, where we get our word telescope or microscope.
Help them process thorugh their feelings. Their feelings are real not necessarily right
Psa 73:21-22 NASB When my heart was embittered And I was pierced within, (22) Then I was senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You.
Pro 19:11 NASB A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression.
When you listen to other’s feelings you are letting them know you value their opinion, care about the relationships, and they matter to you.
Rom 15:1 NASB Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves.
-Confess you part or fault in the conflict.
Mt 7:5 Pull the log out of you own eye and then you will see clearly to pull speck out of brothers.
1 Jn 1:8 If we say we have no sin we are fooling ourselves.
-Attack the problem not the person.
Often how you say something is just as important as what is said.
Prov 15:1 a gentle answer difuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire
-Cooperate as much a possible.
Rom 12:18 NASB If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.
Do your best to adjust to others and show preference to what they need.
- Some issues that we want to stand strong on are more personal preference than God’s will.
Mat 5:9 MSG “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.
-Emphasize reconciliation not resolution.
We can’t expect everyone to agree about everything. Reconciliation focuses on the relationships, while resolution focuses on the problem.
5 We need to practice Biblical Peacemaking. Mt 5 Blessed are the peacemakers
Peacemaking isn’t peace loving, but peace making. It isn’t avoiding conflict or running from a problem. It isn’t appeasement. It is attempting to walk in and help others walk in reconciliation.
2Co 5:18 MSG All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other.
1Co 6:1-5 NASB Does any one of you, when he has a case against his neighbor, dare to go to law before the unrighteous and not before the saints?…(4) So if you have law courts dealing with matters of this life, do you appoint them as judges who are of no account in the church? (5) I say this to your shame. Is it so, that there is not among you one wise man who will be able to decide between his brethren, (5 MSG I say this as bluntly as I can to wake you up to the stupidity of what you’re doing. Is it possible that there isn’t one levelheaded person among you who can make fair decisions when disagreements and disputes come up? I don’t believe it.)
Reconciliation – the establishment of relations with parties who are at variance.
6. In order to walk together we must look through God’s telescope not our microscope. We look at the bigger view of God’s purposes rather than the short view of what is in front of us. Looking at the ideal (God’s great vision for His church) helps us cope with the real (the relational issues in front of us).